Guilt
by GeekyChic123
Summary: Ice can freeze water. Elsa's parents drowned. Why didn't she go with them? How can she live with knowing she could have saved them?


Hi! This is a depressing angsty story, about Elsa feeling and knowing she could have saved her parents from drowning. If only she had gone with them. Happy New Year! Review to bring luck to your fandom ;)

I could have saved them. Mama asked if I wanted to go on the trip with them, she said it would be good practice for when I was queen. Forming bonds with other members of future royalty, practicing my debating and trading skills. I have been isolated for so long though, it terrified me to think of being on a confined boat with hundreds of people who could discover my power. I couldn't even think about the horrors of interacting with all the normal heirs to thrones. Trying to form bonds with them, debating with them. It was a recipe for disaster.

Why didn't I go? I should have at least tried harder to get them to stay. I had such a bad feeling about them leaving, I was so scared something would happen to them. That I would be left to rule this land. They had not gone anywhere together, left us girls alone, since before the incident. I asked if they had to go, I was so scared. But I convinced myself I was overreacting, it was stupid to think the one time my parents went somewhere, that anything could happen. But it did. Oh it did.

I can hear Ana crying, her room is right down the hall from mine. It must be past midnight, outside my window everything is cloaked in inky darkness. No sign of the dawn, I don't feel like I will ever see the light of day again. I ordered all but the absolute minimum number of servants needed, to go home. At least for the day. I couldn't take having them around, even if I didn't see them, I knew they were here. Talking about us, feeling sorry for us. I thought it would be smart to send them away, I wasn't thinking in my initial grief. We have a few gardeners, one cook, and a small handful of people to clean now. No one who would be here now. That means no one will be able to go comfort Ana.

I should have kept at least one personal maid, not that she is close to any of them as far as I know. It could have given her some comfort though. Her sobs are stabbing me, I want to curl up in a ball against the pain radiating inside every time I hear her. Mama would tell me to please go comfort Ana, I remember the first time I held her in my arms. I was so little then, but I remember she told me that Ana was my responsibility, and I would have to make sure to always take care of her. How can I be so cruel that I can hear my sisters grief, and do nothing?

I just can't face the truth that is screaming for me to acknowledge it. I could have saved them, I would have saved them. Oh goodness, it would have been so easy! I haven't purposely tried to use my powers since I was eight, and even then never froze anything bigger than a drink. One time I froze Ana's bowl of lima bean soup, to make her laugh. But though I never have, I know I could have frozen the ocean around the ship. I just know it. It would have been so easy, so freeing even! I could have used my powers for good instead of harm! Used my curse for good! But I must be cursed, I must be!

I have always had this awful power, I almost killed Ana with it. I isolated myself practically my entire childhood, shut myself away from my sister and best friend. Just to hide my powers and not hurt anyone else. Now, I could have used this curse to save my parents life's. I would have saved them, they would be alive right now. If I wasn't cursed, wouldn't I have been able to save them? To do some good? But no. This iciness flowing through my soul, must only be for bad. It will forever haunt me that I did not go with them.

My room looks like a snow globe, filled with dark ice instead of enchanting beauty. A winter wasteland, not a winter wonderland. Cold unyielding icicles dangle above my bed, a sharp one dangles over my chest. If it falls it will pierce my heart. I don't move. There is no light in my room, so the snowflakes that slowly drift down look black as coal. But though my powers are coming out, my emotions are still stifled. I can't let it out, I can imagine the entire palace being consumed by my grief. The kingdom becoming an icy waste. I could so easily become one of the monsters that parents tell their children about.

Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel! Tears are streaming swiftly down my face, when they freeze against my flesh I have to take them off. My tears become frozen gems, and I don't care. Ana is still weeping, the sound reminds me of a dying animal that had given up all hope. In the dark I see my mothers disapproving face, I must be going crazy. "I'm sorry." I gasp, I have to choke back my sobs. Conceal don't feel. "I'm so sorry, Mama, Mama, please come back! I will go with you, oh I will! You were right! It's all my fault, if I'd gone you and Papa would be alive!" More tears stream down my face, as they freeze they collect and clink against each other. Mama's face is still looking at me, I am not apologizing for the right thing.

Ana's grief can still be heard, and it hits me. I am letting my sister down, I should go to her. At least I have to get away from my mothers sad face. I secure my gloves more firmly on, and stumble out into the hallway. Conceal don't feel, conceal don't feel. Don't let anyone know. The hallway still looks the same, how on earth can it look the same? I feel my surroundings should be as drastically rearranged, disrupted, changed as my emotions and heart and life are. I wish my heart was ice. Maybe then I couldn't feel this pain.

Her room is so close to my own, that was ways so very hard on me. I don't know if it was hard for her too. I should have moved to a more remote room, been farther away. I just love her so much, even after all these years. I can take not seeing her to protect Ana, but I still had to be close to her. A few steps down the hallway, and I am in front of the closed door of her room. It used to be my room, then for three amazing years it was our room. Now it is hers alone.

How ironic that the door is closed, it's the first time I am coming to her in years. And the door is shutting me out. Just like every single time she came to me, and was met with a door instead of a sister. I reach out a hand slowly, Ana's mourning is loud and painful. My fingers close around the knob, and I can't go in. I can't. If I see her, I will collapse. Grief will smother me, and I will finally release my curse. Shoot this coldness away from my body, from my heart. Even now ice is seeping from my glove, something that only happens when my emotions are screaming to be released. Frost creeps over the door knob, and I let it go.

More tears are freezing my face, and I collapse to the ground silently. I slump back and sit against the door. My sister doesn't know it, but now we are mourning together. I can't even let myself really cry, what would I do with thousands of frozen tears? I can't make a sound, because Ana can't know I am out here. But I know she is just a door away from me, I can hear her. And the sounds of her crying slay me, but knowing I am so close to her brings a comfort I can not describe.

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Ok ok, I will do one more chapter, probably about the Royal Funeral. Please review, and give my story some love! Please! Happy New Year! May only good things come to your fandom :D


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